


For Fox Sake, Bunnies Shouldn't Drink

by Warm_Regards



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Drinking, Drinking Games, F/M, Friendship, Humor, I really don't know what tags work for this story but here we go, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6719113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warm_Regards/pseuds/Warm_Regards
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick and Judy decide to hang out together, and things take on a turn for the tipsy. Three-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Zootopia is not my property, but boy, I do truly wish I could have helped make this awesome movie.
> 
> A sincere thank you to my fellow writer Zach for being a beta reader/ proofreader/ characterization checker for this fic. He knows as well as me that I love to write, but that I’m afraid I write poorly. I suppose that’s the Writer’s Wreckage. I do believe he helped make this fic better than I envisioned, so kudos to a wonderful person!
> 
> This will be a three-shot fic, by the by. Mostly because I wrote a bit too much for even a long one-shot. That’s how I roll~. But it’s more meant to be seen as one (very long) situation, so for any stragglers, if the other parts are up when you are reading this, consider reading them in one go.
> 
> This fic isn’t really a strong T, I feel. Especially not this chapter. But I’d rather play it safe than roll the dice only to get snake eyes, you know?
> 
> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the story. :)

One would be a liar if they said Nick Wilde didn't find bizarre pleasure from the ordeals of other creatures.

Of course he had to concede that for a large portion of his life, deception was integrated into his persona. His lies were often the catalyst for other people’s issues, or at least, his lies didn’t make things easier on others. Lying was his thing, and boy, was he a master at it. Even now, as a law enforcement officer for the Zootopia Police Department, he often sought inconsequential scruples with fellow workers just through methods of snark and puns. Clawhauser positively adored these antics; Bogo was less patient and accommodating for the punchline to arrive. Nick never saw it necessary to desist, though. Messing with someone else’s head was just a pleasurable experience.

Judy knew this aspect about her foxy partner all too well. When he had started working at the station alongside her, she would often tell him to knock it off whenever he was being too instigative. Of course, Nick never knocked it off. After a few weeks, Judy began retaliating with her own calculated comments or gentle attacks that only a bunny could pull off. On duty or off, she was always showing her familiarity with Nick's personality. She didn't back down from him.

And Nick had to give credit where it was due: Judy was a clever bunny. Remarkably clever. She sometimes knew more than he did!

Nick, however, knew that Judy was woefully unfamiliar with the world outside of work. Not necessarily with the city of Zootopia. Although, he would argue, she had such lame interests in spite of the scope of the world the two of them had explored and returned to before dinner.

No, Judy's problems rested with her social abilities. She never seemed to do anything outside of sleep, eat, and work. It was a perplexing situation for Nick.

Little did he know her first Zootopian social outing would be with him.

It was a Friday afternoon. Nick didn't even need to check his phone, though he had for the sake of dumb internet videos. The entire station was showing signs of eagerness to leave and finally have some non-threatening fun.

He was not expecting Judy to be one of the antsy folks that night.

Nick knew she made noises when she was contemplative. That's what she always did whenever she drove the ZPD Meter Maid Mobile (a title that Nick repeatedly said because it sounded funny) or was stuck indoors with files to fill. She probably felt she was being quiet, or perhaps it was him being accustomed to her verbal nuances. Either way, he knew she wasn't all pleasantries right then.

He peered over the bunny whose leg was slightly stamping her foot onto the ground. Her ears were slightly drooped as she read over a non urgent document.

“Hey, Carrots.”

She did not respond.

“Carrots.”

Still no acknowledgement.

Slightly annoyed, Nick took his pen, stretched his arm closer to her, and poked the back of her neck with the cap end.

Judy shrieked, her papers shuffling in the air. The bunny landed on the ground on top of several documents.

“Carrots,” he repeated nonchalantly. He peered over the back of his chair down to where she fell.

“Nick!” She looked up, her mouth ajar. “What is your deal?”

“I should be asking you that.” He hugged the back of his chair. “You look like you drank a bucket of espresso.”

She perked up her ears as she cleaned up her loose papers. “Huh?”

“What’s up?”

“I'm just—” Judy exhaled a deep breath. She placed the papers on her desk and stroked the fur on her head. “Frustrated at all this paperwork we need to do.”

Nick knew she much preferred the fast paced action that being a cop brought. But she was being way too invested. It was quite silly to be this overwhelmed by paperwork that didn't really have imperative deadlines, Nick thought.

“You need to take it easy, Carrots,” he said to her.

He heard her scoff at her spot. “Yeah, Nick, I need to take it easy. I also ‘need’ a jacuzzi and a penthouse.”

He looked confused. “None of those are bad things.” He held out his paw in acknowledgement. “But no, I think you need to have some fun, for once in your life.”

“Now is not the time for fun,” Judy said plainly.

“Just like in your whole life?”

She shot him an aghast look. “That’s not true!” she pouted.

“Then enlighten me.” Nick propped his head on an elbow. “What does Officer Hopps do for fun when she is off duty?”

“Well, I’m working on a book by Fauna Nightquest, and—”

He slowly blunk.

“Reading is fun!” she protested.

“Anything else?”

She said nothing for a few seconds, only reaffirming Nick’s suspicion that she didn’t do much outside of work.

He heard her fingers snap repeatedly as she said, “I like to watch Hank Greebe videos. Last week I saw the one where Hank talked about the weird thing with words, how there’s actually a word for something that doesn’t have it’s own word.” She was smiling readily, looking quite invested about the contents of a dictionary. “And I mean, isn’t it weird how some things don’t have a word? Logically, every object and place and thing should have at least one word to—”

“Yeah, Carrots,” he interrupted. He had seen that video already. “Watching videos doesn’t count either.”

She smugly folded her arms and crossed her legs. “But you always watch those dumb prank videos whenever you are bored with the paperwork. You even said how much you’d like to make one of those for April Fools here at the station.”

Chief Bogo, who happened to be walking by their cubicles, slowed his pace and gave a stern gaze to the fox.

Nick shot his boss a toothy grin. “H-hey there Chief! Just…” Nick patted the papers on his desk. “Just getting the last of today's work done.” Nick looked up awkwardly. He could tell Judy was trying not to laugh behind his craned neck. 

Bogo stood there watching Nick for another second before snorting and walking away.

Once the buffalo was back in his own office, Nick glared back at a still smirking Judy. “Yeah, I do that to pass the time,” Nick said in a bit of a whisper. “But what I do for fun, well…” He placed his back against the chair and pressed his paw pads against each other. With a cocky grin, he said, “Yeah, I don’t think I should say, I might blow your mind.”

Judy’s smirk melted away into a half lidded look of annoyance. She spun her chair to better face him. “Then what are you doing tomorrow tonight?”

He shrugged. “Well, sadly, no one has made plans with me this week.” He made a paw wave. “I've been snubbed.”

“That's great!” Judy chimed in, her ears perking up as high as her voice just had.

Nick twitched his mouth in a confused manner.

Judy gave an awkward smile. “I mean … me too!”

He looked to the side of the room, a smug expression filling his face. He shook this off when he returned his attention to her. “Why do you ask, anyway?” He swiveled in his seat and began shuffling his papers into a properly ordered pile.

Behind his back, he heard her sigh. She quickly and softly said, “Would you like to hang out with me?”

Nick stuttered. He was not unfamiliar with the idea of hanging out. But he knew all too well, from past awkwardness, that a girl saying she wants to “hang out” could just as easily mean she wants to go on a date.

He stared back at her. She was biting her lip and glancing down at her lap where her paws were fiddling with each other. 

“What did you have in mind?” he asked.

Judy gave a small smile as she raised a finger. She opened her mouth to say something, but then she paused. Her ears drooped slightly. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

He chuckled to himself. How would she know what to do for a social outing? He could sense she was uncomfortable at the moment. Perhaps she was feeling unprepared. A small part of him wanted to agree to her offer right there and then. A stronger part of him wanted to continue the teasing a little more before complying.

Nick cleared his throat, gathering Judy’s attention once again. “I’ll need to see if I am free tomorrow tonight.”

Judy shot a perplexed look. “But didn’t you say—”

Nick pressed an imaginary button on his desk. “Yes, Flower? Cancel all of my appointments tomorrow.” He then gave her a coy smile. “I am planning to hang out with a workaholic.”

Judy smiled as she said, “I don’t always work.”

Nick made a drolled out sound. “You’re right.” Looking at her pride filled face, he continued, “You _almost_ always are working.”

“Boo,” Judy said, shaking her head. She looked up at Nick. “So, what did you have in mind for tomorrow?”

“I have a place in mind,” Nick said plainly.

Judy looked intrigued. “You seem so self-assured.”

He smiled as he looked down at her. “Well, I am a _clever_ fox, you know?”


	2. A Night to Remember (or Possibly Regret)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in actually posting this chapter. This chapter and the next are quite bulky. I think I was right to make this a three-shot.
> 
> Anyway, thank you and enjoy.

So it was planned: they would “hang out” the next evening at a place in Zootopia. Of course, Nick had neglected to tell her what the place was, or where it was, or why he was taking her wherever he had in mind. Judy was quite frustrated with his mind games.

All he told her was that he would meet her outside of her apartment and that they would be taking the train to get there.

That afternoon, after withdrawing some cash, he walked to her apartment wearing his sunglasses despite the weather being relatively cloudy. He leaned his back against the wall, placed a foot against a wall in a cliche manner, and waited for her. He quickly found out, though, that he hated waiting. So after a few minutes he invented a game.

While wearing his sunglasses, he would stare at a mammal walking across the block or an animal driving in a car on the street. As soon as he picked a target, he would look at them until they moved around the corner of the block or drove on the street up a hill and out of sight. He started with a short chicken and a mallard duck — maybe they were boyfriend and girlfriend? — who walked past Nick while blabbing on about something that the fox really couldn’t care less about. Nick then stared at the vehicle in front of him. It looked … exotic, to say the least. Nick couldn’t remember the last time he saw a puffer fish driving a fishbowl, or if that was a thing that ever happened at all. His next visual assault came upon a scraggly looking pelican wearing overalls. Nick had no clue where these creatures were coming from; it’s as if they were not from Zootopia at all, but rather another world. All he knew for certain was that he enjoyed the pelican’s perturbed expression when it realized a sunglasses-wearing fox was staring. The pelican looked back several times, and nearly tripped on the curb before making a hasty right turn.

Nick chuckled to himself. Cruel of him to say, let alone think, but there was satisfaction in messing with people’s heads.

After what seemed like an eternity, Judy finally walked out the door. Upon seeing her, he stopped laughing, intentionally faced forward, and built a blank face.

She hopped some steps down to the sidewalk before stopping a few feet near his body. “So. Are you ready?”

He slowly turned his head and gazed at her. She was wearing a simple lavender dress, a shade lighter than her eyes. Around her waist she had a black waist bag. It looked nice, but not too fancy. Mature, but not too adult. An ambiguous outfit for an ambiguous outing.

He didn’t say a word to her.

Judy looked side to side. She waited a few moments before waving her paw hesitantly. “Uh, Nick? You okay?”

Nick found it increasingly harder to stay silent while staring at his bunny comrade. His mouth twitched as he tried to contain his snickers.

Judy clicked her tongue. With a quick hop she snatched off his sunglasses, surprising him. “Nick, act serious for once.”

He squinted his eyes as he got used to the brighter environment. “You took forever, Carrots.”

She stamped her foot once quite roughly and grimaced. He heard her make a click of the tongue as she momentarily looked down. She must have realized her gestures were somewhat juvenile because she then inhaled a breath to compose herself. “I took as long as I needed,” she said in a somewhat dignified manner, the sunglasses delicately hanging off her finger.

Nick missed none of her reaction, which is what then prompted him to remark, “Easy there, tiger, you might crack the pavement.”

She sighed off his quip as she folded his sunglasses closed and handed them back to him. “Can we go now?”

He wasn’t expecting her to give back his glasses, but gladly accepted her offering. “Sure thing,” he said with a smirk. He then put on his sunglasses and started walking.

Judy groaned as she followed close behind. “Good godwit, Nick. It’s cloudy. That means no sun. Which means you should take off your sunglasses.” She extended her arms to grab his glasses once more.

He gently swatted her reaching paws away. “This is my aesthetic.”

She puckered her cheeks in an odd manner. “Aesthetic?”

“I’m feeling, ‘too cool to talk to fools’ today.”

She snorted. “But you’re not cool at all,” she said teasingly.

He grimaced down at her. “How about you try them on for yourself, then take back what you said?”

She shrugged. “Fine. Give them to me.”

He slipped the glasses off and placed them directly on her face. “Enjoy.”

She fiddled with the position, as he had not carefully placed them on her eyes. She walked as she held his glasses much like a librarian would before reading text. She looked funny, wearing his glasses while in her get up. 

She looked up at him. “Nick, I can barely see a thing out of these. They’re too dark.”

“That’s the point!” Nick insisted. “You can’t see the perps, so you sense them instead!” He knew he sounded somewhat bogus. He didn’t feel like admitting to her at that time that he liked the sunglasses because it reminded him of the nighttime. He was always working during the day, as were most animals, that by night he was too tired to enjoy the ambiance. At least with his glasses he could pretend it was after sunset.

She removed the glasses from her face, folded them, and then handed them back to him. “I’ll stick to my own eyes, thanks.”

He put the sunglasses back on his own face. “Suit yourself.”

Judy let out a long drawn out sigh.

With a bit of a rhythmic voice, he asked her, “Something on your bunny mind?”

She looked up at him with a raised brow. “Because if I wasn't a bunny, I wouldn't be able to have concerns.”

“You said it, not me.”

“Hmmm.” Judy looked his way for a moment before returning to observing the outside world. “I’m just really curious where we’re going.”

“I told you, when we get there, you’ll find out.”

She didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. “Yeah, but—”

“Look, Carrots.” Nick paused on the sidewalk. “Part of having fun is going with the flow. Letting things happen as they occur.” He slid down his glasses a bit with his paw. “You trust me on that, right?”

“...Yes?” she answered with an air of uncertainty.

He pushed up his glasses. “That sounded reaffirming.”

She hopped a few steps ahead of him. “Yeah, well, it’s kinda hard to be so faithful when you have no clue what’s going on.”

“Go with the flow, Carrots,” he shouted, as she was quite the distance away now.

“Keep on saying that, Nick!” she yelled back. “You might make up a new song!”

He mockingly laughed at her.

Soon they were at the train station. Stampedes of mammals were exiting and boarding the trains. Nick directed the two of them to the Rainforest District Express.

“So it's somewhere in the Rainforest District,” Judy remarked to Nick.

He pet her head with deliberate touches. “Smart bunny.”

She shoved off his paws, but only a little. Still holding his fingers loosely, she tugged gently. “C’mon. The good views are on the upper deck.”

The two of them stood side by side on the higher levels of the train. They were not alone; a few mothers and their kits (or cubs, or pups, as the cases would be) were similarly on the upper deck. The children, much like Judy, were wide eyed and excited to see the views. Nick noticed how Judy, much like the children, showed no shame to be here.

He gazed at her with mutual contentment. He couldn't help let a small smile loose.

She eventually noticed him staring and said, “...I haven't been on the train since I first arrived to the city.” She paused then added, “At least, not in a casual, ‘I'm-not-chasing-lawbreakers’ kind of way.”

He nodded knowingly at her. “I figured.” He looked up as he heard them pass a waterfall. Droplets of water trickled on top of the glass ceiling, down the sides of the train, then proceeded to spread once the speed of the train reached dry air. “It's not a bad sight, though.”

She nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

She returned to looking out the glass walls. He, meanwhile, continued to examine her expressions.

How jubilant and alive she was just then. And it was all just for their mode of transportation. He was happy to be in her presence. For once he didn’t feel like a loser that he didn’t have a car of his own.

Once they reached their stop in the Rainforest District, he directed her to leave the station. He led the route, and she closely followed.

The Rainforest District was an enigma of a place, but it was fascinating as well. It was late in the afternoon now, and the sun shone through the gaps of the tree tops in pretty patterns. A lot of wild cats and canines were in the vicinity. Made sense; those were the type of animals that would enjoy the mysterious forest.

Judy asked from behind, “So, um, where’s the place? Are we there yet?”

Nick stopped in his tracks and turned about. “The last hundred times you asked that question, I said you would find out when we got there.” He slid his sunglasses down his nose to stare into her eyes.

Judy looked distressed. “Sorry…”

He smiled as he took off his glasses and extended his arms to present the building behind him. “No need to apologize; here it is.”

Judy stepped a few feet forward, closer to where Nick stood. She looked to be examining the building. He still held his back to the building, but craned his neck to follow her example.

The entirety of the structure’s outside walls were tree trunks closely grown. The bark pillars were intertwined both with the branches at the tops of the trees and the vines that weaved to and fro. Vivid flowers of bright red, blue, yellow, purple, and pink were growing in a beautifully chaotic pattern. A bright marquee above the wide entrance flashed the name of the place to the duo.

“Yep,” Nick remarked. “The Rainforest Cabaret.”

Judy looked at him with astonishment. “This-Nick, this is…”

He dropped his smile, but still held onto a light tone of voice. “Spit it out, Carrots.”

She folded her paws and looked up once more. “Beautiful.”

He folded his glasses that were still in his paw, and then hung them off of his shirt’s collar. “I _knew_ you were going to say that.”

She leered at him. “No you didn’t.”

“Sure I did. You know how?” He placed his paw on his chest. “Because I am a _clever_ fox.”

“You had a lucky guess,” Judy insisted.

He made a paw wave. “Wanna get a seat inside?”

“That would be swell.”

The two of them entered the doorway. They were eventually seated inside.

“This place is really beautiful,” Judy said again. She twitched her nose once. “And probably also very expensive…” She immediately reached for her waist bag to take out some money.

Nick saw this and shook his head. “Oh, no, it's on me tonight.”

She looked uncertain. “Why?”

“It was my idea that we go here, right?” He smirked slightly. “So I'll take care of it.”

She slowly tucked away her money. “You're being hospitable tonight.”

“Why?” He glared at her. “Foxes can't be generous?”

“I'm questioning if you specifically could be generous.”

Nick grabbed a cobra shaped shaker from the center of the table. “Salt in the wound, Hopps,” he said while shaking the object.

“Except,” Judy said, “That is clearly pepper.”

Nick paused, wide eyed for a second. He glanced down to see that, yes, he had the pepper shaker in his paw. He quickly replaced the shaker with ever so slight puffed cheeks. “No wonder; Carrots is salty enough as it is.”

Judy chuckled. She looked at her paws before reaching for her bag and pulling out her phone.

He raised a brow. “Talking to mom and dad?”

“Oh?” She looked up from her phone. “Yeah, I am. I’m letting them know I’m gonna be out with a friend for the next few hours, so they won’t call during.”

He pointed a finger at himself. “Did you name drop me?”

Her ears drooped slightly. “See, I think with my parents, it’s best if I keep as many details as possible to myself.” A beat. “They’ve gotten better, by a lot, since I’ve started working here. But I kinda want to avoid them making judgements.”

“They’d think you’re on a date with a fox,” Nick said bluntly. “Like me.”

“Exactly!” Judy nodded eagerly. “But it’s not like that at all. We’re just hanging out so you can show me a good time tonight!” Judy’s smiled melted into a frown. “Cheese and crackers, that sounds _so_ bad…” She looked at their table for something. “Now where’s that water?”

He gave a small smile of understanding. “The water hasn’t arrived yet.”

“Oh.” She looked incredibly uncomfortable. So unlike her just an hour ago.

He looked aside. He felt somewhat concerned she was acting this way. She was supposed to be enjoying her night, not worrying what her parents back home would think.

“Let’s talk about something else,” Nick said. Going off her nod, he continued, “So this place is actually kinda special to me.”

“Why do you say that?” Judy asked.

“This is where I had one of my first cons ever.”

“...You don’t say?”

“Save the enthusiasm, Carrots,” he said monotonously. “You're overwhelming me.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “So what was the gig?”

“So when I was a teen - 14, 15, whatever - I was a bathroom attendant. ”

“Well, that doesn't sound too—”

“And I charged $5 a mammal,” Nick finished.

“Oh!” The bunny stared at him with bewildered eyes. Her expression soon transformed into one of questioning. “Wait, wasn’t that an episode of _Elks and Recreation_?”

He leered at her. With emphasis he said, “Look, I _invented_ that con before that show ever came out, okay?”

“Sure you did.” Judy merely nodded. “So, what was your reasoning?”

“My reason for charging $5?”

“No, for being a bathroom attendant.”

He sighed. “Long story short,” Nick said while rubbing his neck awkwardly, “I can be very convincing when I want to be. Except I hadn’t learned my limits back then.”

“Did anyone ever catch on?”

“Well, yes.” He coughed. “I, uh, got discovered the first night in.”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I doubt that gig went well with the staff.”

He flattened his ears against his head and looked to the side. “Well, technically, it wasn’t the staff that found me out.” He looked her way before adding, “One of the mammals that came that night was a large moose. Yeah, moose, they don’t like being threatened.” A beat. “He felt I was being threatening when I asked him to pay for getting him a dry towel.”

Judy folded her paws as she gave a look of sympathy. “Were you hurt?” 

He made a paw wave. “Don’t worry about it, Carrots. The only thing that got bruised that night was my ego. And even that healed relatively quickly afterwards.”

“What happened after you got caught?”

“I got banned for a few years. It was a shame, too; I actually don’t mind the food here.”

“And how much did you make?”

He squinted his eyes in suspicion. “What’s with all the questions? Are you planning to book me?”

“I would never have you arrested,” Judy replied softly. “I'm honestly just curious.”

He stared at her, taking in her kind words. “Maybe fifty,” he answered. “It wasn’t worth the con, though.”

“You…” She seemed to be calculating her words carefully. He felt she wanted to poke fun without being dramatic about it. He was surprised, then, when she continued with, “Nick, you tried, at least.” She bit her lip before continuing, “Most teenagers would be too scared to try. I mean, I did so much embarrassing stuff when I was a teen, but at least I tried…” Her voice slowed down when she noticed Nick giving her interrogative eyes. “Actually, let's not go back to that, it's boring and cliche and altogether a waste of time.”

He grinned down at her. “Uh, no, we _will_ go back to that, thank you very much.”

She scowled. “Great…”

“Let me guess,” he said while patting his fingers against his cheeks. After a few moments, he pointed at her and said, “You really wanted to join the cheerleaders, and made a fool of yourself at tryouts.”

“No, I was too busy studying, I had no time for cheerleading.” Judy shook her head. “No, I had a thing for a rabbit back in school.”

“A thing?”

“Fine, a crush,” Judy amended. “He was kinda quiet and studious. We were in the same chemistry class and-”

“You had chemistry with another bunny,” Nick said. He gave a goofy grin at Judy when she looked his way.

“Yes, Nick.” She propped her head on her elbow. “Exactly.”

He motioned her to continue.

She straightened her posture. “Well, I learned his birthday was coming up. Me being the cute bunny I was… I gave him a birthday cupcake.”

Nick looked confused with her explanation. “What's wrong with that?”

She puffed her cheeks. She seemed twitchy once again, although Nick was too curious to let her stop talking. “I made our family recipe for carrot cake into cupcake form. Flour, sweet carrots, sugar, yeast, cinnamon, the works.”

Nick held out a paw in confusion. “That sounds perfectly—”

“He was allergic to cinnamon.”

He paused and stared. “Oh.” A few seconds passed, the cabaret music playing in the background. “So you killed an innocent rabbit with food?”

She glared at him. “No, thankfully. He just had to be rushed to the hospital.”

“I'm sorry you blew your chance with a cupcake, Carrots.”

“Actually, I never really had a chance with him.” She raised her head high. “I went to the hospital to say sorry, and I…” She couldn't seem to grasp the words to conclude the sentence.

He wanted to throw in a crazy guess during the quiet lull. “He was making out with his boyfriend.”

She straightened her ears. “That- how did you…” She look astonished at him.

Nick recoiled. He didn't think he would be right. “Wait, he really did have a boyfriend?”

“You said it yourself,” Judy said slowly.

Nick held back a chuckle. “How did you not know?”

She mumbled something under her breath.

He perked up one of his ears. “What was that?” he asked while leaning his head closer to her chair. 

“He had nice ears!” Judy stated with hastiness.

Nick smirked. “Well, good for him.” He turned his head to face her again. “Don't go chasing your tail around, Judy. Trust me on that.”

She looked up at him, probably because he had used her first name, a rare occurrence. “You went after someone who couldn't like you back?”

Nick shook his head. “No, the tail thing.” He stared at her bamboozled face. “When I was younger, I'd throw tantrums by chasing my tail around for hours. It was a huge waste of time. Don’t throw a tantrum over a failed rabbit romance.”

“You chased your tail?” Judy snickered a bit. “That actually sounds kinda adorable.”

“It was dumb. And I'm not a dumb fox.”

“Of course not.”

“Although,” he added, “If you are offering cupcakes to anyone, I'll gladly accept.”

She folded her arms and looked coy. “I only give cupcakes to people on their birthday.”

“What do you know?” He sat back and pointed at himself with his thumbs. “I just remembered, it's my day of birth today.”

“Oh, yeah? How old are you now?”

“Twelve,” he answered with an air of silliness.

“Hmm….” Judy looked contemplative. “Aren't you a bit old for cupcakes?”

He pondered for a moment before realizing he had run out of witty retorts. “I'm older than you,” he said with a matter-of-fact tone. “Doesn't that count for something?”

She seemed surprised that he suddenly dropped the teasing. Tilting her head in acknowledgement she said, “I'll think about it.”

He eased himself back into his seat and smiled in response.

A waitress then came along. She was a fluffy looking goat. She was carrying a couple of menus and balancing a tray of water glasses. “Welcome to the Rainforest Cabaret. I'm your waitress for the evening, Suzette.” She handed them their menus and carefully slid the glasses onto the table. “Take your time looking over the menu and I'll get back to you two in a few minutes, alright?”

“Okay,” Judy said. “Thank you.”

Suzette nodded her head in acknowledgement. “Enjoy your date.” And with that she promptly scampered away to the kitchen.

Judy perked her ears when she realized what the waitress just said. “Wait! We aren't technically on a date…”

Nick looked bemused as he sipped water. “Let it go, Carrots.”

She sighed, picked up her glass, and took a healthy gulp of water.

“Anyway.” He smugly smiled. “I did become the best at what I did. You know, after those lame years.”

“I'm feeling lame myself right now,” Judy quipped in a low voice.

He flattened his ears and let out his own sigh. She was so easily distressed. In a way it was charming how open with her emotions she was. There was no way to say she was a liar, unless that creature was a jackass with no sense of manners. But on the other paw, it was slightly annoying how open with her emotions she was.

Nick wanted to shake off his complicated feelings. He gazed around the interior of the cabaret. He hadn't been here in many years, yet not much appeared to have changed. There were still the hanging floral vines and the tasteful crackled glass decor throughout.

“You want fun?” Judy said all of sudden.

Nick hitched up his ears at the sound of her voice. Looking back at her, he said, “I’m listening.”

Judy oddly smirked at the fox. “Let’s make this a fun night for the both of us.”

He gave her a bewildered look. It was not so much what she said as much as how she said it. If any other animal would have said that to him, he would have deduced coy flirting. A mixture of sultriness and playfulness was in her voice, something he was not adept at hearing from her. Yet because it was coming from Judy, it was likely to be her way of teasing. How could a bunny be so confusing?

“Go on…” Nick said.

The rabbit shifted in her sit so that she better met his eyes. Leaning forward, she moved her paws in an animated manner as she spoke. “You know everyone there is to know in the city, correct?”

Nick rolled his eyes. It amused him how she still asked him this question even after all this time she had known him. “Oh, no, I know absolutely zero people in Zootopia. Especially don’t know any bunnies who think of me as dumb.”

Her response was to make a paw wave. “Look, hear me out. I want to see if you really do know everyone, and see if you can say at least 10 words about each animal I point to. If you can…” She paused. Nick saw her hold a look of hesitance that she erased with an inhale a second later. “If you can do that, I take a drink. But!” She leaned forward closer to his face, her pointer finger being held close to his face. “If you cannot say enough in a few seconds, you need to take a drink.” She sat back down in her chair with a smile, her arms folded with contentment. “Yup, that’s the game!”

Nick didn’t show any emotions on his face. Which was pretty damn hard, considering just how many emotions he was feeling. Had she really just made that game up on the spot? Had she really made up that game period? The opportunity to see a drunken bunny was far too enticing for him. The idea of seeing Judy drunk was even more amusing. Plus he would get a chance to show her how cruel she was for doubting his intelligence, even if it was all in friendly teasing.

He looked over to Judy who was still holding her pose of pride. When he finally opened his mouth, he said, “What kind of drinks are we looking at here?”

Judy just shrugged. “The ones that get people drunk?”

Nick faked a scolding look. “Carrots, have you drank booze before?

She moved her head around. “Not technically…”

Nick held in a laugh as he said, “So then, tonight would be your first time?”

“I guess.”

“You want to spend your first time with lil’ old me.” He draped an arm over his chair’s back. Nodding to no one in particular, he added, with a slower, smoother voice, “I feel _so special_.”

“Only Nick could make things perverted…” Judy remarked as she looked aside.

Nick let out a few chuckles. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” he said. She gave him a bothered expression, so he continued, “But your family has a farm. Don’t they grow barley and grapes and stuff like that?”

“Next you’ll be saying my family grows drugs.” Judy perked up her ears, probably realizing Nick was about to correct her.

Nick couldn’t resist correcting her. “Well, technically, the Nighthowlers were—”

“Yeah! I know, I remember!”

“Whoa. Bunny on edge.” Nick raised both of his arms up, his goofy grin still present. “Don’t shoot me, officer.”

Judy sighed. “Luckily for you, I’m off duty.” Her smile returned. “You still haven’t agreed to the game.” A beat. “Do you need to check with your secretary?”

He tilted his head as he spoke. “Nope. I’m all yours for the night.” He waited a few seconds before adding, “And then some.”

“Then to answer your question, yes, my family grew stuff like barley and grapes. But as far as I know, no alcohol was made.”

“That's what they want you to think.”

Judy puffed her cheeks. She looked like she wanted to laugh. Instead she said, “What drinks do you suggest we have?”

He pondered on this for a few moments. He would love to give her the strongest drinks he ever had in his life. 

But he felt slightly guilty for wanting to subject Judy to that. She wanted to have fun, not to regret ever leaving her work behind for one night. What kind of animal would let her do that?

Nick didn’t want to be that animal. Not tonight, anyway.

“Let's start us off easy and go for beer.” He pointed at her. “Sound good to you?”

Judy thought for a few seconds, then nodded. She stood on her chair and extended her arm. He met her gaze and realized what she wanted. He extended his own arm to meet hers.

They shook paws.

“Maybe the best mammal win!” Judy declared while shaking vigorously.

“I intend to,” Nick replied. Once his paw was released, he shook off the grip he still felt. While soft and fuzzy, her paws held tightly when she meant it to.

“I said ‘best’, not ‘worst’, Nick.”

His response was to glare at her with annoyed eyes and grab the shaker from the middle of the table once again to sprinkle out some pepper. Judy laughed at this.

Suzette returned to their table. She smiled cordially as she asked, “So, are we ready to order?” From her skirt pocket she pulled out a note pad, and from behind her ear she reached for a pen. She was preparing to write down the order.

Nick rested an arm on the table as he faced the waitress. With his own smirk he said, “We most certainly are. Get us a round of beers.”

Suzette looked skeptical at what he had just requested, or perhaps suspicious of his intentions. This prompted Nick to point to Judy and say, “Don’t look at me, it was her idea.”

Judy meekly nodded. “For once, he’s not lying.”

Nick gave a pout to her. “ _For once?_ ” he asked.

Judy then added, “Oh, and can we also have some cheese fries, please? And not the straight cut, but the cute curly ones?” Nick shot her a glance, which prompted her to add, “Well, they are cute.”

Suzette shrugged. “Well, uh, I guess I’ll get right on that…” She collected their menus and looked at them again before saying, “I’ll be back in a jiffy.” Her hooves made clicking noises as she sped walked away.

Nick turned up his snout at Judy. “Who's paying for that?” he asked with a joking tone.

Judy puffed a breath but grinned. “I don't think your wallet is going to cry. Plus, I thought we would share? I doubt drinking beers and _nothing else_ would be the best idea for either of us.”

He groaned. “You make too much sense sometimes, Carrots.”

“ _Sometimes?_ ” Judy mimicked the pitch from when he questioned her when she implied he lied a lot.

“Don’t give yourself too much credit,” he said as he took another sip of water.

Judy changed the subject. “She’s nice.” She glanced towards the kitchen. “Make sure you tip her well.”

“Of course I will,” he said. “We’re all trying to survive here.”

“Good,” she said. “I was afraid you might,” she bit her lip as she looked to the side. “Give a _rainforest_ check on that.” She then covered her mouth in a poor attempt to conceal her laughter.

It took him a few seconds to get the joke. He glared at her once he realized what she said.

“Well, you are a _master_ at cons,” she dramatically said. “I need to make sure you’re not masterfully cheap.”

He purposefully sounded flat as he laughed. “Ha ha ha. You’re really funny, Carrots.”

She smiled.

In a few minutes, Suzette came back to the table carrying a tray with a few beers, and another tray with cheese fries. “Here are your drinks,” she said while swiftly sliding the glasses onto the center of the table. The fries were quickly placed down as well. “And here are your fries. Enjoy, and let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thank you,” Nick said while grinning at the waitress.

“Thank you,” Judy said, prompting Suzette to nod and then walk away.

Judy slowly pulled a mug closer to her. The damp glass left condensation marks along the table.

“So.” Nick folded his arms on the table, placed his head on them, and focused on Judy.

“So…” Judy repeated.

“So, I think this is your game, Carrots.” He raised his brows. “You need to be the one to start it up.” He sniffed the cheese fries near his face, gave a content expression, and reached for a fry with the cheese gooey all over. “Don't mind if I do,” he said more to himself than to Judy.

“Oh. Right.” She seemed a bit twitchy. “Alright then.” She glanced around the room to look for someone to point to. Nick watched her intently. She held a finger up to her chin as she looked for their unsuspecting target.

“It can be anyone, Carrots,” Nick added after some time passed. He grabbed a few more fries and stuffed his mouth. “It’s all gonna be the same result anyway.”

Judy sneered. She stood on her chair, leaned forward, and grabbed a fry of her own. “First of all, half of these fries are supposed to be for me.” Nick responded by nonchalantly taking a few more fries while he was still chewing the last couple. “And secondly, I want to start us off with the perfect mammal.”

Nick swallowed his food. “There’s no such thing as perfect.”

She seemed surprised by this. She dropped her paw and tilted her head at a slight angle. “You don’t consider yourself perfect?”

He was about to eat another fry, but his paw stopped in mid motion. He felt slightly offended by her assumptions. “Of course not.” He raised his head and sat up straight. “I do consider myself near perfection, though.” He bared his teeth with a cocky smile. He then chewed off half of the fries in his paw.

Judy sighed and shook off his words. Sitting back down she said, “Ugh, fine. How about that one?” She pointed to the far edge of the cabaret.

Nick swallowed and followed the point, which ended up leading to an aged bull. “Dr. Carimoo. He went to Bovine University, graduated, then moved on to Stampford University out on the coast where he got his medical degree. He’s an outstanding member in his field.”

She made a “wow” sound to herself. It was soft, but even with the surrounding music Nick heard it. When he looked back at her, she automatically presented an indifferent expression. He smirked at her, then roved his eyes down to the glass in front of her, then looked back to her face.

With a sigh, Judy tentatively held up her mug of beer. She sniffed its contents before swiftly backing away a few inches. She peered at Nick. He was giving her a smoldering look.

He raised a brow. “Well?”

She smiled uncomfortably. “It smells … different.”

“Luckily for you, you don't need to smell when you drink.” He then added, “Unless you want to, but I wouldn’t advise that; you’ll just end up with a runny nose.”

“I don't know when to quit,” Judy muttered to herself. Inhaling a breath, she took the mug to her lips and took a heavy sip.

He looked impressed as she swallowed at least half her glass. “Well done, Carrots!” He applauded loudly. He then lifted the basket that oozed of melted cheese closer to her. “Fry?”

She coughed a little before looking at him. A few drops slid down her chin. “We're just getting started,” she said as she wiped her mouth clean. “And yes,” she said, taking another fry. She nibbled on the edge as if it were a carrot. Perhaps she wanted to get the taste of beer out of her mouth.

“Hmm.” He blunk deliberately and took another fry from the basket. “Next one,” he said as he popped it into his mouth.

She looked to the front of the room on the stage. A splendorous looking doe was singing a sweet serenade. The front row bucks were ogling her intently.

Judy pointed to the doe. 

Nick turned his head and gazed for a second. He then looked back at Judy. “Jane Doe. Was a member of the Doe Rey Me music group. She played place to place for her gigs.”

Judy seemed impressed, but forced a frown. “Okay, then.” She took another sip of beer. She smacked her lips, the taste still stuck to her mouth unpleasantly. She looked briefly at Nick. She then pointed at a passing alpaca who was similarly wearing a showgirl outfit.

“Emma Woolcoat. Went to A capella for Alpacas School for the Musically Gifted. She's also a spoiled show-off.”

“Jane!” Emma screamed near the front stage. “ _How dare you_ take my spot on stage without asking me!”

“Cheese and crackers…” Judy muttered to herself.

“You mean cheese and fries, right?” Nick asked as he helped himself to more food. He was probably eating too much, but he couldn't help it. The Rainforest Cabaret always had the best fries. Back then they were amazing, and tonight was looking to be more of the same.

Judy drooped her ears as she looked back at him. He gave the typical snarky look she had come to expect from him. He offered her the basket of fries he still held in his paws. Sighing, she drank the last of her first glass of beer and grabbed more to eat.

“Wanna call it quits, Hopps?” he asked her teasingly.

“No!” she barked. She rubbed her face with her paws and composed herself. With a sweeter voice, she then said, “No, I do not.”

He chuckled. “Oh, Carrots.” He admired her tenacity. Most mammals would have given up by now. He shoved forward his glass of beer closer to her. He then placed the basket of fries down on the table and said, “Next one.”

Judy, with less energy, pointed to a sitting duck. A crested duck, to be specific. It sat in a portion of the building with a small puddle of water, and was drinking something green. Other ducks were sitting nearby.

Nick knew exactly who that duck was. It was Alfred the Duck. He was a car insurance mascot of sorts, where Alfred would shout his name to random mammals whose cars broke down in the most absurd of situations. Once the duck yelled his name, everything would be hunky-dory. Those commercials were always a bother to watch, but then again, maybe it was Nick’s own fault for watching so much television when he wasn’t conning someone. Nick had conned Alfred, ironically, by running an off-the-books car repair service. That was a pretty fun summer, Nick reflected in hindsight.

A random thought suddenly popped into Nick’s head. He didn’t know why he had such an idea. Maybe Judy was turning him to a softy.

He looked quickly at Judy before looking back at the duck. “Oh, really Carrots, _that_ duck?” He purposefully sounded annoyed in a whiny way as he raised an arm motioning towards Alfred.

Judy looked at the fox and perked up her ears in intrigue.

Nick dramatically sighed and continued, “Well, I need a few seconds…” And then he purposely stopped talking, letting the ambient noise fill the silence. He fought the urge to suddenly say all that he knew. He knew he could have done it, too; he was always a good fast talker. He could just talk fast and take her by surprise. But for some reason, he held himself back.

The longer Nick took, the more excited Judy looked. After a few seconds passed, she pointed at Nick’s face and made a loud buzz noise. “Ah-ha! You don’t know! I knew it!” She slid back the drink he had given her. “Drink up!” She bounced in her seat, watching him with eagerness.

Nick faked an annoyed look. “Take it easy, Carrots. Like you said, we’re just getting started.” 

Judy looked at him with her half lidded eyes and a smirk. “And you said you knew everyone.” She proudly reached for the fry basket and pulled out a few soggy but nonetheless cheesy pieces. She ate them quite merrily.

He took a sip of his beer, smacked his lips, grabbed yet another cheese fry, and then said, “Next one.”


	3. Dumb as a Fox, Drunk as a Bunny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the third and final installment to this riveting tale.
> 
> Just a mild warning for the squeamish: there is a slight reference to throw up in this chapter. It’s not in vivid detail (I am not that cruel!), but it might be enough to make one feel uncomfortable. But alas, it is the nature of the beast, er, story.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy. :)

Luckily for Nick, and unfortunately for Judy, Nick knew the majority of the animals she pointed to. Well, he knew every animal she pointed to. But every once in a while, he would purposely delay his answer, which prompted her to squeal in delight and make him drink his portion.

In between animal pointing, the two of them would help themselves to some more cheese fries. Eventually, their fry basket got empty. So did their drinks. Only the latter ever got refills.

The longer the game went on, the drunker Judy got. Nick had spent a lot of money on the drinks, but he was relishing her openness. There was a reason beer was called a social lubricant.

While waiting for Suzette to refill their drinks, Nick saw the opportunity to talk to a not-so sober Judy to see what communicating with her would be like.

“How you feeling, Carrots?” He glared at her with amusement in his eyes.

“My stomach hurts a little.” She looked at him, her violet eyes wide with energy. “But I feel so amazing.”

“You did drink five drinks.”

“Oh…” She giggled to herself. “I did?”

He rested his head on an elbow. It was pleasant to see her so carefree. Sure, she was a bit buzzed, but she was readily laughing and enjoying her night. He wanted to show her a good time, and that's what she got. Mission accomplished.

Suzette came back with another round of drinks. “Okay then, here are some refills for you two.” As she slid off the drinks from her tray, she glanced at a tipsy Judy. “You two doing alright?”

Nick didn’t shift his pose. “Everything is just great.”

“Crazy fun tonight!” Judy added.

Suzette nodded oddly.

“I think this will be the last round for us,” Nick said. “While you're here, we’ll pay the bill for all the drinks.”

Suzette wrote up a few scribbles and swiftly ripped the paper out from her writing pad. She handed Nick the bill with a sneer. “You’re despicable,” she said in a sharp tone. She then quickly moved away.

Nick perked up his ears as he saw the waitress depart back into the kitchen. What had she - no, _why_ had she said that? Nick hadn’t flirted with her inappropriately. She was probably half his age; he didn’t roll that way. He wouldn’t have done that even if Judy wasn’t with him.

He glanced at Judy. She was staring at him with _those_ eyes, except from Judy it was more childlike curiosity. But for any passerby, one could easily tell she had drunk a lot of beers, and she was with an older fox who was clearly not as drunk, and she staring at him with such intensity...

_Oh. That’s why._

Nick watched Judy reach for a fresh mug of beer. He grasped the other end to prevent her from taking a sip.

“Hey, Carrots, I think we can call it a night.”

She glazed her eyes over his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, the game is over.” He tried to pry the drink from her paws. “No more drinking.”

She scowled at this. With a tug, she took the drink with both of her paws. She stood on her chair and drank the mug whole. He stared in horror as she said, “No way! I feel fine!” She then looked down at the table to see more beer glasses.

Nick followed her gaze and abruptly gathered the filled drinks in his arms. He nearly fell off his chair doing so. “ _No more drinks, Judy._ ”

She stepped on the table and smirked at him. She easily grabbed a drink from his embrace. “Clever bunny,” she said, pressing the drink to her chest. She then extended her arm with the mug to Nick. “Dumb fox.” The beer was then completely gulped down in a few seconds.

Nick relinquished his embrace around the rest of the beers. Judy helped herself to another glass which she drank a bit more slowly. He looked to the side and folded his arms. He noticed a few of the fellow cabaret goers suspiciously watching him. He felt he deserved their scorn.

Judy proceeded to drink the rest of the drinks in no time at all. Nick left cash on the table, enough to pay the bill and a generous tip for the staff. He stood up, walked over to Judy, grabbed her arm, and said, “We are going home now.”

“But we’re having fun!” Judy dribbled out. She hopped off the chair and let him pull her out of the building. The distaste in the eyes of the staff and patrons alike was even more evident as Nick left with a drunk bunny close behind.

It was nighttime when they left the Rainforest Cabaret. The marquee outside shone brightly and left large shadows of the duo as they moved. He walked with a speed in his step. Judy tried to loosen his grip, but ultimately said little as she was pulled along. They reached the train station after a few minutes of awkward, silent walking. Nick would have joked around to ease the mood, but he was more preoccupied with going home and sleeping over his dumb plan. At the ticket booth at the train station, he took out his money to buy passes for them to use. He only then realized Judy had escaped his sight. 

He really was a dumb fox, wasn’t he?

He didn’t need to look too far. She was curled up on a train station bench. “I’m sleepy,” she told him when he walked close to her.

He sighed. His tie draped down as he leaned forward to better speak to her. “I know. Come on, I'm taking you to your place.”

She didn’t make a movement. “I’m sleepy,” she repeated.

He rubbed his face roughly. “Okay,” he said. With careful maneuvers, he picked her off the bench and placed her on top of his back. His police training required him to learn how to properly carry small mammals to safety. (The academy had sadly neglected to teach him how to deal with a drunk, saccharine bunny, however.)

Judy awed as she glanced around from the new vantage point. “This is fuuun~!”

“Yeah, keep saying that to yourself, Carrots,” Nick mumbled.

Together they boarded the train to head back to the city’s center. Nick had to stand with Judy on his back, a feat that was made harder with the vibrations of the train consistently trying to throw him off balance. He somehow managed, and they passed the familiar waterfall and ended up back at the city’s train station.

He began to walk Judy to her apartment. He was fortunate in that she didn’t live too far off from the station.

A familiar ringtone began playing. 

“Oh hey, it’s mom n’ daaaad~”, Judy said, drolling out the syllables. She let the ringtone play for several seconds before showing Nick the ringing phone. “Seeee?”

“Oh,” Nick said with fatigue. When he realized the meaning of her words, he changed to an urgent tone. “Wait, Carrots! Don’t answer the-!”

“Hi-iiiii mom, hiiiii dad!” Judy slurred. “How are you guuuuuuuuuuuys?”

“Hello, Judy…” Nick could hear Judy’s mom being just as uncertain as he was. “What … what’s going on?”

“Is everything alright?” Judy’s dad piped in over the video call.

“Oh, I aaaaamm great! Nicky and IIII had _fun_ tonight!”

Judy had told him that she mentioned her ZPD partner to her parents from time to time. It made sense, as Nick was a significant part of her work life. However, Nick doubted that telling someone’s parents that they were hanging out with a fox was the best course of action. Especially parents who for years of their lives held the notion that foxes were the most ferocious of predators.

Considering the two of them had essentially gone clubbing and that Judy had drank more than he had, Nick was not looking forward to hearing the negative assumptions her parents would bring up if they learned the truth.

“Oh!” Bonnie Hopps sounded shocked. “You and Nick? You were hanging out… with Nick?” She visibly seemed perturbed by the idea of her daughter being with a fox alone. She tried to give a calm smile that, honestly, was as fake as a three dollar bill.

Stu Hopps was more insistent. “ _What_ did Nick do with you, Jude?”

Judy didn’t say anything for several seconds. Nick wondered if she was falling asleep. Then out of nowhere she squeaked, “ _We had fuuuuuuun!_ ”

Nick felt a pressing urge to run away. The only thing that was preventing him was the bunny on his back. He’d feel worse if she got hurt on the sidewalk because of him. Wait… could she get hurt? She was quite fluffy; even through her dress he could feel her fur softening her body on his back. And he hated to admit it even to himself, but it felt nice having her on his back. Like a soft, warm pillow in bed… 

Nick’s debaucherous thoughts came to a halt when he heard Judy’s mom say, “Honey, what did you two do?”

“And be specific,” the father added.

Nick arched his back and hitched Judy higher up. From the corner of his mouth, he whispered, “Carrots, I am not here.”

“Do you wanna say ‘ello to-” She hiccuped. “Nicky?”

Nick shook his head vigorously. “No, no, no, no, no-” When she pressed her phone to his face, he adopted a toothy smile. “Good evening, Mr. Hopps, Mrs. Hopps.”

“Hello, Nicholas,” Stu said.

“Hi, Nick,” Bonnie said. She gave a meek smile. “What are you and Judy up to this evening?”

Nick swallowed. “Just going for a stroll around the city.”

“So, uh, Nick. Why are you carrying Judy on your back?” Her father looked more stern.

Nick stared at the phone for a second before laughing and looking aside. “She and I went for a quick dinner. Solved a bunch of cases at work so we thought we earned some decent food. After we ate, she started going, ‘You’re gonna get fat and get fired and then I’ll need a new partner!’ So she made me carry her to her apartment.” He softly patted her leg. “She can hardly believe I am doing it!” Why did his lies sound lame even to his ears?

Judy raised her phone to her face and said, “Yeah, Nicky ‘n I got food and drank _a looot_ of booze!”

Dumb fox, dumb fox, _dumb fox!_

“...”

Nick quite enjoyed the fibs of daily life. He wasn't going to suggest that he himself never left out facts. It was like what the main character from _Mouse M.D._ would always say: Everybody lies and there is no big cheese in life. Nick liked that show; he felt there was a refreshing pleasantness to the rude and blunt Dr. Mouse.

Yet looking at the present situation, a drunk Judy on his back, her parents staring in confusion over video chat, Nick felt it wrong to lie. He felt despicable for wanting to lie about Judy's well-being. He should just own up his mistakes like a mature, sensible fox.

And yet, if he spoke the truth to Judy's parents… well, she said it herself, they were still bettering themselves. The last thing Nick wanted was to make Judy's parents become paranoid that their daughter was working with what seemed to be a skeevy fox. Or worse, even more paranoid.

Lying was the last thing Nick wanted to do.

Too bad for him; lying was exactly what needed to be done.

Nick faked a sigh. Not that he didn't need to sigh; this whole night was building up air in his lungs that he felt a strong desire to expel. No, this sigh was less timid and sounded more like the sigh a teacher would give a student who gave a really dumb answer. Nick assumed that’s what his sigh sounded like, anyway; he hadn’t been in a classroom in decades.

“Alright, you picked up on the clues.” Nick mimicked a dejected look. It was pretty easy, considering he felt like horse crap anyway. “Can’t hide it anymore.”

“What is going on? Is there something wrong with Judy, Nicholas?” Stu had a firm tone in his voice.

“She and I went to a restaurant, that part is true. We got all our paperwork done and we decided to celebrate by eating out. That part is also true. We went to a fancy new restaurant in town called…” What sounded fancy? “Les Poissons. It was good food. But Judy may have eaten something that didn’t settle well with her.”

“What did she eat, Nick?” Bonnie asked.

Nick pondered for a moment. What was a rabbit-y dish? “...Lemongrass salad,” he replied carefully.

“Lemongrass?” Bonnie widened her eyes, something Nick wasn't expecting. “Oh dear. That would mean Judy…”

He went off her reaction and played along. “She had a bit of a ... situation, yes.” Nick coughed.

“Oh, poor Judy.”

Stu was being a tougher cookie to crack. “Bad food doesn’t make one act intoxicated.”

Nick nodded awkwardly. “I think she feels that if she pretends she is drunk, no one will make fun of her.”

“But her being drunk is just as bad…” Stu said slowly.

Nick quickly looked to the side before focusing on her parents again. Had Judy been the one talking to him, he would have been outed as a liar by now. But her parents didn't catch on, so Nick kept talking. “She kind of hinted to me why she's doing this. See, she feels you'd look at her like a child if she admitted she had an … accident. But if she drank too much, well, adults get drunk all the time, so it's easier to confess.”

Her parents gave a look of consideration.

“Well, not all adults drink…” Bonnie stated. “But I gotta say, Stu...” She nodded. “That does sound a lot like Judy. She always did want grow up so fast.” Bonnie looked pensive, as if she were remembering a younger Judy trying so hard to be mature. Nick wondered how the mom responded to Judy’s cupcake complication with that crush. “She probably would feel ashamed for what happened.”

“She always was quite the actress, too,” Stu added. “So uh, Nick… she’s okay, then? She’s not really drunk?”

Judy giggled and said, “Yeeeeeees~!”

Nick shook his head cooly. “Nope, she's just acting. Trust me, she's as sober as a Saint Bernard. Ever met? They’re as dry as the Sahara Square.”

Judy began stroking his ears with her paws. It would have felt super nice, Nick knew, if her paws weren’t so rough or so sticky. “You’re silly, Nicky,” she told him near his ears.

Why did it have to be Nicky of all names?

Judy's parents looked at each other. Nick held a breath for a reason he couldn't explain.

“Thank you, Nick.” Bonnie placed a paw on her chest close to her heart. “Please make sure Judy is okay. We would never think poorly of her for an accident. We'll check back on her tomorrow morning.”

“Can do!” Nick said over enthusiastically.

“...Thank you, Nick,” Stu said. “It means a lot to us that you'd watch over Jude. Let us know if anything comes up.”

“Good night, Nick,” Bonnie said. “And say the same to Judy for us.”

“ _No problema_ ,” Nick forced through a toothy smile. He pressed the hang up button which ended the call. Once the phone went into its home screen, he let out an exhale.

“Love you, mom, dad!” Judy said at seemingly random.

Nick twitched his nose. He'd rub his face quite vigorously as well, but you know, bunny on the back.

Nick straightened his back. “Come on, Carrots, it's bed time for you.”

She didn't respond immediately, per usual. After many seconds, she groaned. “C’mmoooooon, we were having fuuuuuun…”

“I think you had enough fun tonight, Carrots,” Nick said harshly.

She moaned in disappointment.

He, in response, promptly began walking faster than the snail pace he had been maintaining. He was quite fortunate that it was nighttime, and that very few mammals were even out at this time, and that he could maneuver quite well in the dark.

Of course, he wasn’t all that lucky considering he still needed to tend for Judy.

After a few minutes of late night speed walking, he saw the block her apartment was on. When he reached her apartment door, he stumbled into the building. At the front desk was Judy’s landlady napping beneath dim lights. She was snoring softly, probably because it was past midnight at this point and any sensible animal would be asleep this time. Nick didn’t see the elevator, so he begrudgingly began walking up the stairs to Judy’s floor.

Once at her door, he panted slightly. “Carrots, do you have your keys?” he asked her.

“Huh?”

Nick held back the fatigue in his voice. “Keys, Carrots.”

“Ohhhh! I just, give me…” She shuffled on his back, trying to reach for her bag. She pulled out the keys, jingling them in her paws “Here ya go.” She then held out her silver keys in front of Nick’s face. As he tried to carefully grab them, she lifted them up from his face. “Whoop, too slow!” Nick stared forward as she began jangling the keys. He let a few seconds pass before swiftly snatching them from her grip.

Judy pouted. “Nicky, you’re no fun.”

He mumbled under his breath as he clumsily unlocked the door with one paw while balancing her impertinent body.

Once inside, he gently set Judy on her two feet. He saw in the dark the lamp on her desk. He turned it on, then faced Judy while pointing to her bed. “Go to sleep, Carrots.”

She wobbily walked forward to her bed. Nick stepped out of her way and watched her sit on the bed’s edge.

“Good night, Carrots. I’ll see you around…” He threw her keys on her desk and was about to step to the doorway.

Judy made an audible groan of discomfort. “Nicky, I dun feel too good…”

He turned around at the worst possible moment. She started spewing half-digested drinks on to the floor. Nick perked up his ears in concern. Wide eyed, he rushed towards her, careful not to step into her mess, and began patting her back.

“Easy there, Carrots,” he hushed. He didn’t know the first thing about tending to a drunk rabbit.

She eventually stopped throwing up when she started coughing. He continued to pat her back some more before he heard her sniffling and crying a drunken spiel. “Oh, godwit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Nick insisted. “Stay here, don’t move.” When he saw her nod uneasily, he went outside of her room.

He looked around her dark hallway for a supply closet of sorts. He eventually located one, opened it, and pulled out a bucket and mop. Unfortunately, the mop was propped against a shelf. Once Nick removed the mop, the shelf came loose and let a few bottles fall on to the floor in loud succession. One of the bottles hit the metal bucket, making a strong vibrating sound.

“Great,” Nick mumbled to himself.

After reorganizing the closet to the best of his abilities, he searched for a bathroom to fill the bucket with water. He found one tucked away into the corner of the hallway. He wasn’t sure if it was unisex or one gender only, but at that time he really didn’t care. He made no haste in turning the sink’s faucet on to fill up his bucket. Carrying the bucket in one arm and the mop in the other, he made his way back to Judy’s room.

A large portion of the night was Nick cleaning Judy’s mess, tiptoeing to the bathroom to empty the dirtied water, refilling the bucket, then going back to her room to clean some more. He would have been more disgusted cleaning up the throw up, but he didn’t want to hurt Judy’s feelings even more. It was an accident; she probably wasn’t even going to remember she had done it by sunrise. Nick also knew he’d dealt with grosser things in the past. He himself had drunk one too many drinks in his youth, and his poor mom would often be the one cleaning him up. Hell, he once had to clean up Finnick’s mess after the artic fox insisted on drinking a new Ultra Spicy booze. Even outside of drinking, Nick knew he had pulled off gross cons. Like the one where he made “diet” cola, which was really stale coffee mixed with seltzer. Or the time he sold “tofu” when it was really chalk melted with water in the microwave. It was probably for the best that he didn’t reminisce on how exactly he got the fur of a skunk’s butt to make Mr. Big that rug...

Eventually the mess was cleaned up. When he came back from putting everything away, he saw Judy curled up in her bed, sleeping.

Nick watched her for a moment before gently pulling the covers over her body. He then went to her desk to turn off the lamp. He made movement to leave her room.

Looking back, he felt a pang of guilt for wanting to abandon her. What if she got sick again? What if she started crying again? What if she didn’t want to be alone, and that was exactly what he was doing?

With an exhale, he sat on the floor besides the front of the bed. Laying down, he tried to get some sleep in before it was daytime again.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Nick slept _horribly_ that night.

Well, to be fair, he slept terribly as a general rule. Foxes weren’t built to be day-dwellers; they were much more suited for night activity.

This time, however, Nick just felt plain uncomfortable and disgusted.

It had little to do with the fact that he had little place else to rest in Judy’s pigeonhole of an apartment other than the floorboards near the front of the bed. It also had little to do with how much dust he kept breathing in from the dust bunnies underneath her bed. (Seriously, did she ever clean there?) No, he was uncomfortable and disgusted with himself for … pretty much everything?

Yeah, that would be a good place to start.

He heard her moan and move around in her bed throughout the night. She wasn’t a noisy sleeper, but she did seem somewhat off balance overnight.

In the early morning, he heard her shuffling on her bed.

“Ow, my head,” she mumbled. She sniffed something, probably her dress, and said, “Eww…”. No, it _was_ her dress, as she then tossed to the front of the bed, and it landed on Nick’s body.

“Wait, Carrots!” Nick said, raising his arms above the foot end of the bed with her booze-stained dress in his paws.

“ _Nick?!_ ” Judy hollered. He heard her tug on her bed sheets and wrap them around her body. Or more likely over her head, as she sounded quite muffled when she said, “What are you doing in my room?!”

“First of all,” Nick said while purposefully looking at the floor, “ _Please_ put your dress back on.” He tossed her the wrinkled purple fabric while forcing himself to not move his head.

She quickly dressed and crawled to the foot of the bed to stand. She looked over to see Nick sitting on her floor. “What on Earth are you doing, Nick?”

He stood quickly and brushed off the dust that clung to his disheveled fur. “It’s a bit of a long story.”

“He was trying to sleep with you!” one of Judy’s neighbors shouted, their voice slightly muffled through the plaster but nonetheless present.

Judy looked at the wall. “What—?”

“He wanted to score with a bunny in bed!” the other neighbor yelled.

“I did no such thing!” Nick shouted back to the wall. He placed a paw on his face and groaned.

He knew Judy was watching. But he didn't want her to see him. She probably was pissed at him. Hell, he was pissed at himself. 

“Nick.” She didn't sound angry, nor upset, nor annoyed. She mostly just sounded tired. She was massaging her temple, probably to tend to the pain she mentioned earlier.

He rubbed his forehead in a similar motion before dropping his arms and looked her way. “Yeah?”

“Please tell me the truth, Nick.”

He stared at her. He had lied so much last night, he really didn’t have it in him to lie anymore.

“Basically, you and I went to a restaurant last night to have some fu- to hang out.”

“I remember.”

“Then we got into a drinking game…”

She dropped her paw. “We did?”

He nodded. “Yeah. You wanted to see if I knew random people at a bar, and if I did, you would take a drink.” A pause. “You were …” He wanted to phrase it delicately. “Not all there.”

“How bad was it?” Judy asked.

Nick looked back to the wall. “I, uh, had to carry you home at the end.” He tilted his head as he mused, “You're lucky I'm as strong as I am. You might have started singing show tunes at the station.”

She didn’t say anything for several seconds. He kept glancing at the wall. He wouldn’t mind staying in that position, just counting the chips and cracks in the paint while she said nothing. Quite frankly, he feared more what she could say.

She was quiet when she finally spoke. “You didn't do anything wrong last night when I was… incapacitated.” She folded her arms. “Did you?”

He found it odd how she danced around the world “drunk”, but saw it better not to poke fun of her for that. He looked at her with resolve. “No,” he answered slowly. “No, Judy. I swear I didn't do something like that.” An exhale escaped his body. “I know I've done dumb things in my life. You know that, too.” She briefly glanced at her feet before looking back at him. “But I wouldn't do anything like that. Especially not to you.”

He waited for her to reply, but she gave him a look of contemplation. After a few moments, Nick with some strain in his voice added, “I'm sorry I took you there last night, and that you got that drunk, and that I didn't stop you, and that I stayed over without your permission.” He inhaled. He hated how repetitive and unsure he sounded. “I wanted you to have fun. I didn't want you to get hurt.”

“I know, Nick,” she replied immediately.

He grew perplexed. “Then why would you—”

She raised her paw and cut him off. “To hear you be so honest, and sweet, and apologize so much…” She gave a small smile. “I like it. I'm not mad at you, Nick. I accept your apology, but you really don't have anything to apologize for.”

“Last night would suggest otherwise.”

She scratched her head slowly. “I think that's more on me than it is on you.” Looking to the wall she continued, “I was excited to be drinking for the first time.”

Nick smiled sadly. “You had too much fun, I guess.”

“Probably.” She faced him and gave an indistinguishable expression. She then slid off the bed and walked closer to Nick. “But, hey, can I be honest with you for a second?”

“Shoot.”

“Drinking was a fun experience, despite the aftermath.” He nodded, prompting her to continue. “But I actually really enjoyed our conversations yesterday. It's nice talking to you, even when you make dumb fox jokes.”

“Because if I wasn't a fox, I'd be unable to make jokes.” He glanced at her with humor in his eyes.

“You said it, not me.” Judy looked around the room before looking at him. She was biting her lip in amusement.

He hesitated in speaking for a few seconds. When he finally did speak, he spoke slowly and deliberately. “That,… that means a lot to me. Thank you, Car- Judy.”

He was smiling readily now. It felt relieving and exhilarating all at once that she not only wasn't mad at him, but that she admitted he wasn't a bad person to … work with? Be friends with? Date? The semantics were still sketchy in Nick's mind. But he couldn’t have cared less. Why question a good thing in his life? Why question a good creature in his life? He knew the good moments, in his life anyway, were few and far between. He was going to cherish any tenderness he could.

Judy politely interrupted his pondering when she kindly said, “You're welcome.”

He looked at her. “I like talking to you, too. It's fun.” A beat. “Not as fun as pulling off a successful con or catching a perp. But being with you… it's a different kind of fun. It's pleasant. I like it.”

He always did have a hard time with verbalizing feelings.

She must have liked his words, though, as she placed a paw on her chest “Thank you.”

The two of them just stood close to each other in quiet bliss.

“Maybe next time when we hang out, if we hang out, you can show me how to make your carrot cupcake,” he said in a low voice.

It took her a while to understand what he was referring to. Once she eventually figured it out, she replied, “Only if you let me wear your sunglasses while doing it.”

“But no drinking.”

Judy nodded. “I can agree to that.”

“You're scary when you’re drunk,” Nick said.

“That's because I'm keeping you on your toes,” Judy said matter of factly.

He opened his mouth to say something in retort, but shut it when there was nothing witty that needed to be said. Instead he opened his arms and cooed her to enter his hug. She saw his offer, and it only took a second before she was in his arms.

The two of them hugged for quite some time. She nuzzled her cheek on his chest and he lightly stroked her ears.

He couldn't help his sense of smell. “You smell like booze,” he whispered to her ear.

Judy craned her neck upwards to better speak. “And you smell like puke… wait, why do you smell like puke?”

Nick froze in place.

Before he could answer, Judy's phone began to play its familiar ringtone of familial concern.

She squeezed out from Nick's embrace and hopped to her phone. Nick immediately sat on the floor near her bed to avoid seeing or being seen by Judy's parents.

“Hi Mom, hi Dad,” Judy answered.

Her mom answered first. “ _Judy!_ Oh, thank goodness! Are you alright?”

“Nick told us what happened last night,” her father added on.

Judy held her phone in place as she peered back towards the wall. Nick was frantically shaking his head and made a neck slice motion with his paws. The last thing either of them needed was her displaying a fox in her bed. Or on the floor near it. Wherever. It wouldn't be taken lightly either way.

Judy slowly returned to looking at her parents. “What, uh, did Nick tell you guys?”

“Oh, honey,” Bonnie said with an air of reassurance. “It's nothing to be ashamed of.”

Judy squinted her eyes in a perplexing manner. “What are you—”

“Yeah, Jude,” Stu said. “I hate to admit it, but it's even happened to me once … or twice. “

“Maybe more like five times, Stu,” Bonnie gently said.

Nick wanted to see the horrified look on Judy's face. It was probably amusing as all good things were in life, but he knew he wouldn't have been able to appreciate it with his own terrifying feelings pooling inside.

“Please tell me what's going on,” Judy asked hesitantly.

“Jude,” Stu said. “We know you had a … bathroom emergency at the restaurant you and Nick went to last night.”

“Lemon grass salad doesn't run well in our genes, unfortunately,” Bonnie added.

Judy didn't say anything in response.

Bonnie continued, “That's why I'm sending you a recipe for some carrot tea. It helps with the tummy, and tastes real yummy!”

“We promise we don't think less of you,” Stu intercepted. “You're still our Jude the Dude, and we love you very much.”

Judy seemed frozen in shock. Even her voice, which uttered, “Thank you,” seemed stilted and unnatural. “Um, I'm catching up on some work. I might need to call you back later.”

“We understand.” Bonnie waved her paw. “Bye, Judy! Drink the carrot tea! Trust us, it works!”

“Take care of yourself, Jude,” Stu said. “And thank that fo- Nick, tell him he's a good creature and a worthy friend for you.’

“Okay,” Judy said monotonously.

Her parents hung up the video call, leaving Judy to gaze into the open.

Nick slowly rose from the ground. Rubbing his arms, he slowly said, “Carrots…?”

Judy slowly placed the phone on her desk. Then in one swift motion she looked at Nick with a flame in her eyes. “ _You told my parents I had an accident at a restaurant?!”_

He stood still for several seconds. His eyes were widened with fear. A rare occurrence when the catalyst for his fear was a bunny. “In my defense,” Nick started, “it was an accident that you drank that much beer.” He rubbed his neck as he looked up at the ceiling. “Plus the throw up when you got home…”

She responded by throwing her pillow at him. “Nicholas Piberius Wilde!”

Uh, oh, the dreaded middle name. He sensed he was no longer welcome. He raised his arms up and walked backwards. “I'll be out and about. Take care, Carrots.” He pointed his fingers at her. “I will see you later.” And with that he turned and rushed for the hallway. He closed the door behind him when he got out. Stepping away from the door frame, he leaned his back against the wall and exhaled.

Even through closed the door, Nick could hear her neighbors speak:

“Yeah, you tell that pervert off!” one of them said. “Kick him to the curb!”

“Oh my godwit, didn't you hear a damn thing?” the other yelled. “It was a misunderstanding! He brought her home ‘cause she drank too much! He even cleaned her puke! She was wasted like hell last night!”

Judy proceeded to shriek in her room. It was a long, drawn out sound, like a tea kettle whistling as the water boiled. “Ow, my head!” she said after a while.

She was quite frustrated, Nick could tell.

He made a mental note to himself: the next time they would hang out, they would stay as far away from the alcohol as possible. They couldn’t take any chances. He _wouldn't_ let her take any chances.

...well, no chances when it came to drinking, anyway.

He had more fun than he had in a long while. He’d never want to hurt Judy, and it wasn’t just because she could hurt him far worse in retaliation. No, he cared about her. She added meaning to his otherwise mundane life. She actually had clever replies to his witty sayings. She wasn’t afraid to call him out on his crap.

But he couldn’t deny that the amused smile he was holding right now was because he found bizarre pleasure in messing with other creature’s heads. Especially the head of a bunny who was just as clever, and just as dumb, as he was.


End file.
